Why and How Women Differ From Men

Complimentary Story

   “And the LORD God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a help meet for him… And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made He a woman, and brought her unto the man.” (Genesis 2:18, 21, 22).
   Women are different from men because God made them different in the beginning.  God did not make woman out of the dust as He did Adam.  He made her a special creature, someone especially suitable to help man.  Though she is human as man is, she is quite different in many ways.  And this difference causes consternation in husbands as they struggle to understand.
   The wife is feminine.  That means she has characteristics that belong to women.  Being feminine, the wife looks at life from a feminine viewpoint.  She does not view things the way a man does.  A wise husband will desire at once to discover how this difference can bless their marriage.  A foolish husband may simply smile and ignore it, or he may even make a joke of it.
   A Christian wife wants a Christian husband.  She wants to see his Christian profession confirmed by his conduct.  She wants to see him living out Christ-like love not only toward her but also toward everyone he meets.  
   Every Christian man fails sometimes to be as Christ-like as he ought to be.  Penitence at such times confirms his Christian walk.  But self-justification at such times will greatly disturb his wife’s confidence.  A husband may go on with life, completely forgetting his failure and his self-justification, while his wife is mulling over the incident in her mind.  Let that happen a few times without proper repentance, and his wife will begin to wonder whether she married a Christian or just an outwardly religious man!
   Usually God will not allow a Christian husband to forget things like this.  Failures will disturb his peace until he makes them right.  So when you are alone with your wife in the bedroom, it is a good time to say, “I’m sorry for that unkind response to you today.”  If you failed in the way you treated the children or a neighbor, acknowledge it to them as well, and make it right. That builds trust.

What Your Wife
Needs to Know
   Your wife needs to know that she is accepted and loved dearly. (You want the same thing from her.) And you must learn what makes your wife feel loved and accepted.  She needs to know that you consider her beautiful, that in your heart you think she is the loveliest woman in the world -- at least, the best for you.  “Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all” (Proverbs 31:29).  She needs to know that she can always depend on you to care about her more than you care about yourself.  Your wife needs frequent confirmations that these things are still true ten, twenty, thirty or fifty years after you married.
   A husband also needs the confirmation of his wife’s love, but that need is often more simple and surface-oriented.  If his wife submits to physical intimacy when he desires it, he may be satisfied.  On the other hand, the wife who yields her body to physical intimacy considers it a gift of love to him, whether she enjoys it physically or not.  This is a deep part of her life, and she is concerned about what her husband is thinking in his heart.  The husband is more inclined to see it as satisfying a physical need in a moment of time, while to the wife it is more of an emotional experience.  Everything about her husband is important to her.
   Understandably then, a wife becomes frustrated when she senses her husband’s demeanor that to him not everything about his wife is important.  Husband: learn how to make everything about your wife important to you.  You may say, “I love you” many times a day, but if your conduct does not line up with your talk, your wife is going to believe your conduct.
   Your conduct toward your wife is not the only thing that affects her view of the sincerity of your love.  Your attitude toward your children -- a result of your love for one another -- also shows her how much you value that love.  When you cuddle your children or listen to their prattle, your wife’s heart will be warmed.  When you speak unkindly to them or ignore them, she will be tempted to question your love for her.
   A wife thinks about her husband when she prepares a meal, even if it is not his favorite menu.  It is a gift of love. What does she get in return? Does she get simple thanks? Does she get a smile before the meal and a few commendations during the meal?  Or must your wife fix things without much thought as to whether or not anyone else cares?  He can eat a well-prepared meal without even thinking about his wife.  He may be so absorbed in his own world that he forgets her.  This frustrates her.  “Where is my husband?” she thinks.
   One woman, fixing a birthday supper for her husband, set the table with the finest dishes she had.  Afterwards, she mischievously asked him, “You didn’t mind eating off a paper plate, did you?” He didn’t, and she told him that was downright funny.  But not every wife would have seen it that way.  When your wife does a little something special for you, notice it, and say so!
   Wives need to know that what they are doing has the approval of their husbands.  They need to know that their husbands appreciate their hard work in providing good meals, clean clothes and clean floors.  Husbands need to learn how to say kind things daily to their wives and how to do things in daily life.  Husbands must keep their eyes open and watch for kind ways to confirm their love, their thoughtfulness, and their admiration.  Wives are not looking for gushy comments, just a simple “thank you” now and again.  They need to know that their husbands see what they are doing, what they are enduring, and what they are perhaps suffering.
   Wives need to know that they are admired, not just during the first year of marriage, but continually as time moves on.  During the childbearing years, the demands on a wife can be extreme.  At the same time, a husband can be absorbed with the duties of making ends meet.  Under the financial burdens, he may forget to maintain daily romance.  During these years, some marriages come under great strain.  The burden falls upon the husband to nourish and cherish his wife.  This is not done just with words.  Words are only a small part of it.  The wife must feel cherished by the way her husband treats her.
   Men are often blind to the many opportunities they have to show love.  Recently, a story appeared in a periodical about a marriage that was not going well.  It was written from the husband’s viewpoint.  On a rainy day when the husband was not pressed for time, he wanted to visit an uncle who had recently been in the hospital.  He thought it would be a good break for both him and his wife to get away for a day.  His wife refused because she saw that her workload did not permit it.  She would not allow the oldest boy at home to go either because he needed to look after the smaller children while she did the washing.  According to the story, the man was quite patient and long-suffering.  He was a godly, praying man, but his wife did not respond well.
   After the story was published, replies came in, giving a woman’s perspective. One woman observed, “Mary sent him three pleas for help, and he missed them all.” She named them from the story and then went on to suggest what Jacob could have done differently and how helpful it would have been. This illustrates how blind a husband can be to signals that his wife is sending.
   Husbands, you need to learn how to interpret the language of your wives.  Be quick to catch on when your wife is crying out for help.  She may become so exasperated at your slowness to catch on that she will refuse to be direct with you.  Of course, there are times when she could and should say, “Will you please help me?” But some women would rather suffer in silence than ask a “blind” husband for help.  
   Other women replied to the story with some advice for husbands.  Each reply revealed that women often think differently than men do. Sometimes men are aware of women’s way of thinking and may ignore it or even make a joke of it, but that is a foolish response. Be wise.  Learn to know your wife, and dwell with her according to that knowledge.
   One woman who replied pointed out some flaws in the wife’s response as well.  No doubt the wife was not responding properly.  But we are focusing at this point on the fact that husbands can fail to understand their wives’ pleas for help.
Women are Different
in Abilities
   Some women have tremendous stamina, and others are frail.  In our early years of marriage, we had a neighbor lady who seemed to have boundless energy.  She helped her husband clean the calf barn.  She helped him every day with the farming.  Her husband was a puny man, and she filled her place as “an help meet for him.”  She could do a man’s work without seeming to be bothered.
   My wife was not that way.  Did I feel that if my neighbor’s wife could do it, my wife should do it too?  No, not in the least.  I knew that at our stage in marriage my wife had her hands full with four or five little children.  In fact, I was continually grappling with the fact that she needed more help than she was getting.
   In the meantime, I’m sure that my neighbor had to learn many things about properly relating to his kind of wife.  Each wife has her unique abilities.  For instance, some women can go through pregnancy without much difficulty, whereas others suffer.  That is the time for the husband to be alert to what is helpful and what is not.  In fact, every time is like that.
   What do Christian wives want -- pity?  No, they want compassion! The difference between pity and compassion is noteworthy.  Pity maintains a degree of distance from the sufferer.  Compassion, on the other hand, reflects a yearning to join the sufferer and to take on some of the suffering.  It is deeply aware of the pain, and it desires to relieve the sufferer.
   Compassion is not a natural attribute of most men.  But Christian men, being filled with the Holy Spirit, are compassionate.  They can love the way Christ loved the church.  However, even a Christian husband can become lax in his pursuit of Christ’s love and compassion.  Then a wife must suffer because of her husband’s failure to fulfill his marriage vow to “love and cherish her.”
   Compassion is demonstrated in the story of the Good Samaritan.  The Samaritan used his own oil and wine, used his own beast to carry the sufferer, and took care of the expenses incurred in the process of restoration.  No doubt the priest and the Levite had some pity in their hearts, but their pity provided no help.  How often husbands are like the priest and the Levite rather than like the Samaritan.  We need the supernatural love of Christ to be like that Good Samaritan, compassionate to the utmost degree.
   One husband, upon seeing his wife in tears, said, “I think I will go and do the chores.” He did not know what else to do.  That wife was probably showing that she was emotionally spent and needed some help.  Probably after a good cry, she got up and went on her way, but the husband missed his opportunity to enter into her experience in a way that showed he cared.
   There is another reason why the Scriptures lay the burden on the husband to learn to know his wife and then dwell with her according to that knowledge.  A husband can learn much from his wife.  Women are often caring and thoughtful of others.  They naturally think about their husbands in the choices they make, whether it is how they keep house, how they cook, or how they dress.  I’m blessed when I hear a man say, “I want to talk this over with my wife before I decide” or when I sense that he values the input of his wife.  It tells me that he knows some valuable things about his wife.
   Given the fact that a Christian wife is very thoughtful of her husband, he then is responsible to reciprocate that kind of thoughtfulness.  The two commands that God lays upon the wife are 1). To submit to her husband in everything and 2). To reverence her husband (Ephesians 5:24, 33).  
   But that same Scripture commands the husband 1). To love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it, and 2). To love his wife as his own body (Ephesians 5:25, 28).  The husband who loves his wife as Christ loved the church will be thinking about her continually.  He will always be doing things with her in mind.  When this is truly the case, his wife will more easily reverence him.
To the Wife Who
Is Looking On
   Your husband needs divine grace every day.  When he acts like a man without stopping to think, he will do things without due consideration of your needs.  Love him anyway, and do what you promised on your wedding day.  You will always benefit by doing what you know is right, even when it seems unjust to submit to your husband and to reverence him when he does not deserve it.  Obedience will bring you peace, and it will bring conviction to a failing man quicker than if you gave him an outright rebuke.
   A Christian wife also has the oft-forgotten option of prayer.  Only God can work in a man’s heart. If we learn how to not interfere, God can more easily do His work.  Spiritual people keep God in focus, and that helps them to cope with any situation.

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